*January 2020*

*In the class every person operates from an implicit position that exists because of subtle cultural and or hierarchical dynamics, these exist between the Ustad (teacher) and students, and between fellow classmates. The class typically involves a 2 to 3 h riyaz (music practice), playing set pieces at*

<sup>12</sup> 'Bandhae khoj dhil har roj naa fir parsanee mahi' (Bhagat Kabir, Tilang 1, GGS, p. 727).

*increasing complexity and tempo before ending with the practice of gurbani kirtan. Towards the end of class, I feel a change, a natural unravelling and softening to previous positions, a mist cloud envelopes all, blending the outline of each person into the mist until everything is more or less one cloud. Over a period of several classes, an ecosystem powered by and through a sacredness*/*respect*/*love for the people*/*environment*/*gurbani kirtan takes shape. Here a space is created where questions, experiences, feelings and observations are openly voiced and lived experiences, validation, stillness, or expounding of gurbani and ancestral history knowledge are readily shared*/*o*ff*ered in response.*

Both discursive (conversation) and embodied (music) reflexivity are apparent and, in that instance, the conditions for a rainbow are met. Rainbow geometry also means that each rainbow is unique to the individual. A rainbow viewed by a person positioned on either side will arise from a different set of water droplets and, therefore, will be a different rainbow. Relational interpretation allows that different observers can give different accounts of the same series of events, depending on the information they have about the system. In this way, two observers of one event are likely to have different accounts of the event. Returning to the above reflection from my gurbani kirtan class, every person receives a *download* of information and understanding that is specific to them in a given moment because each person 'stands' in a different place, i.e., each person's DNA, lived experience, and current mental state is unique, albeit sometimes similar. Looking at it from a musical perspective, raag (melody) creates an atmosphere by evoking through its very nature a vibration built upon the vaadi (the most prominent note in the raag) and samvadi (the second most prominent note in the raag). It is a co-creation of the musician's self-expression within the boundary of the raag's framework, as is the freedom in classical Indian raag. Yet, what is heard and experienced by the listener varies as a result of the unique filter of the person's lived experience. A reflexive practice enables one to look beyond the superficial and draw out what cannot be seen on the outset to make sense of ourselves and our relationships, communities, and culture (Conquergood 1991).

## *3.3. Relational Responsibility*

Autoethnography places the researcher's subjectivity at the center rather than attempting to limit it and, thus, by its very design, challenges standard practices of conducting and approaching research (Reed-Danahay 1997; Holt 2003). The intention is to co-create a reciprocal relationship where research is "a socially—and relationally—conscious act", which is accessible to multiple audiences, and reclaims lost and disregarded voices (Adams et al. 2015).

Relational responsibility is an awareness of the *process* of *relating*, which shifts from the individual as the central concern toward an emphasis on what we are creating in our relations with others (Reich et al. 2017). Positionality is an important factor that affects every stage of the research process. It is, therefore, crucial researchers understand their own beliefs and assumptions in order to explore the experiences of the *other* with fresh eyes (Ellis 2007; Wilson 2008, p. 54).

The early anthropological research perspective minimized individual differences to create an essentialist simplified and homogenized culture bound by observable features of custom, language, history, art, etc. (Chang 2016). Observing a culture while standing outside creates, at least theoretically, an impression of a boundary between the researcher and the researched that purports to impartiality and objectivity. However, failing to grasp basic fundamental beliefs and aspects of the community being studied or failing to acknowledge one's own unconscious bias and judgement, especially where beliefs may be in direct contrast with one's own, impacts the data collection and interpretation. This is often raised as an issue among minority communities who are studied and written about, without serious lived insights or an in-depth understanding of the cultural paradigm.

Complete objectivity is a challenge for all researchers. The dual insider/outsider expression exists in many social science disciplines. Outsiders have the advantage of working off a 'clean slate' but are prone to overlook critical nuances that impact any final submitted conclusions. While an insider may successfully navigate the social, political, and cultural landscape, they may need to be aware of any inherent biases that may impact the design, evaluation, and conclusion of the research.

As a researcher how you are perceived and thus admitted into the field being researched a ffects both researcher credibility and the degree of access to the field. Autoethnography views fieldwork relationships as those built upon seeking "*reciprocal responses from multiple audiences"* through mutual curiosity, responsibility, and care (Adams et al. 2015, p. 35). As co-participants in creating *reciprocal responses* the researcher's subjectivity is embraced and simultaneously held responsible by making "ourselves more personally accountable for our perspective" (Ellis and Bochner 1996, p. 15). Researchers have a responsibility to the academic community, the communities being researched, and themselves to work with integrity and care. There is no universal protocol as to what that responsibility and care is but it involves consciously protecting the confidentiality and privacy of others implied or involved in the research, while developing a connection that is not one-sided or solely built for the purpose of a research output, for example, sharing written works with participants for their comments, switching off the recording device to o ffer participants a space to speak freely, or creating composite narratives to sustain privacy of participants. Upon embarking on this PhD journey, the most important care and responsibility has been to myself. This statement seems self-centered (even as I type it). However, to truly care for others requires a practice of care and responsibility to self, beginning with getting clear of my intentions and motivations. The thoughts that arose during that early period were recorded in my journal and are shown as an extract below.
