*3.6. Superordinate Theme 1: Deep Sense of Loss of the Normal*

Participants recognized that their reality and their emotional responses to that reality were no longer reflective of what they had long considered "normal". As Tammy said, "I just want the return of some sense of normal". They experienced a deep sense of loss in their feelings and psychological state, in fearing the infection and the unknown, in what they were used to doing, and in the passing away of some routines and some of what had been considered normal in their work and family lives. Tammy expressed her sense of loss when she pronounced, with a sense of sadness: "This is America, this is current day, this is society, this is COVID".

#### 3.6.1. Subtheme 1.1: Fear of Infection

Participants expressed chagrin and loss at the shift of emotion from the normal emotional ups and downs of life to suddenly living while constantly in fear because of the unknown impact of becoming infected with COVID themselves or their loved ones and of not knowing how long the infection would last. As Murphy said, "My boys stayed in during lockdown. They were worried about COVID so I didn't have to warn them. They felt anxiety". The fear of infection impacted their behavior as Murphy related that her family had to be very careful not to get COVID because they especially did not want to infect Murphy's partner's soon-to-be-100-year-old mother. Murphy also said that at one moment, she experienced a feeling of terror when she imagined that the pandemic and lockdown might never end. She also admitted that she had become overwhelmed by the news of the deaths caused by COVID.

Tammy's mother-in-law could not help take care of the kids because she and her husband were very worried about getting COVID. Tammy was worried about her entire family getting COVID after her toddler caught COVID at daycare. Amira was living in an environment that cultivated fear not only of COVID but also of being arrested and put in a detention center with COVID-infected people. "You couldn't go out, you couldn't drive because if they caught you they could send you to one of those centers. It was petrifying", she explained. Ebere expressed that she could not even go to the hospital, despite having a newborn, because of her fear of infection.
