• Perfectionism

These epistemological shifts, from more "absolutist" perspectives toward a more "multiplist" or "evaluativist" understanding (Kuhn 2008, p. 31), are rarely easy to make and may be more challenging for conservatoire students simply because of the perfectionist culture within which they develop as musicians. We might think of this culture of perfectionism as a transparent medium rather like the water in Pierre Bourdieu and Loïc Wacquant's "fish in water" analogy, where the fish "does not feel the weight of the water, and takes the world about itself for granted" (Bourdieu and Wacquant 1992, p. 108). It is part of their everyday existence as musicians:

It's also that level of prestige that you feel you have to live up to, like Royal Academy, Royal College. There's that [sense of], the Queen's watching me and you think, "oh, I better be good. (FG-4)

As Bourdieu and Wacquant elaborate, "because this world has produced me, because it has produced the categories of thought that I apply to it, it appears to me as self-evident" (Bourdieu and Wacquant 1992, p. 109). Developing an appreciation of music beyond a perfectionist paradigm can therefore be both challenging and liberating. Ironically, loosening the perfectionist grip and embracing wider notions of quality can also result in a creative freedom which in turn enhances performance:

As a perfectionist studying in an environment that is so focused on achieving a very high standard of performance, sometimes it can be difficult to remember that there are other ways of looking at music than attaining perfection. Studying participatory music and realising its powerful effect on others has freed me up creatively in my playing. It made me realise that there is a world outside of the perfectionist world that I sometimes live in. Participatory music has helped me to connect emotionally with audiences in my performances rather than always focusing on delivering a technically "perfect" performance. (Q-1)

This benefit to performance was recognised in other ways as well:

[Participatory music has] made me recognise my primary reason for performing it to provide an experience for both myself and the audience, reducing my anxiety about perfection and making me a more comfortable, happier performer. (Q-2)

Some acknowledged that being more attached to participatory and relational values rather than an aesthetic of performance "abstracted from those social relations" (Turino 2016, p. 303) led to more favourable outcomes in some settings:

I work with babies and two to three year olds. They do not care if they are on the beat. They're not going off and practising. They're literally just there because their parents have brought them or because they want to have fun. Perfectionism is something that's maybe relevant for some contexts and not for others. (FG-4)

The idea of quality as multi-faceted and contingent on its situation was also clear:

I think the idea of perfection is different for everyone. I conduct a community choir and for some in the choir, perfection is getting it perfect. For some in the choir, it's getting all the right words. For some in the choir, it's turning up, and that is a massive achievement regardless of what they sing. (FG-7)

Meanwhile, for others, the perfectionist ethic was also present in participatory settings:

I spend so much longer trying to get everything perfect with my non-auditioned people than I do with my auditioned people. The amateur people really want to be good, and they really work on it at home, so the word perfection is almost more in the room. (FG-3)

#### 3.3.2. Challenges

When speaking of challenges, the participants tended to mention two types: the challenges faced within a participatory session; and a more subtle awareness of some of the challenges of alienation faced generally by musicians within the conservatoire system, and related to the perfectionist culture described above, that might be ameliorated by engaging in participatory music. This second kind of challenge will be discussed later.

Of the first kind of challenge, some are related to the complexity and "messiness" of human relationships which are activated through the work:

I have found there is often a tension between facilitators wanting to keep emotions out of the music session and this being an unrealistic expectation given the vulnerability of certain participants and the things music-making might bring up for them. It is challenging to provide emotional support for participants or manage conflict without derailing the session for other participants. (Q-4)

Others expressed it in terms of pressures arising from simply leading a session, or "always being needed by the participants" (Q-6), as well as pedagogical challenges:

Finding a suitable starting point that is inclusive of all participants. That is to say there is sufficient challenge, without it being too overwhelming, especially when there is a range of ages and abilities. (Q-5)

Some of the perceived challenges were more musical in nature, especially as they related to notions of score reading vs. aural learning:

I have found it difficult to adapt my practice to suit different groups—for example, if the group has no previous experience with musical notation. As a musician I am very much used to reading notes and am comfortable with musical terminology. Sometimes it can be difficult to know how to approach a session where musical jargon is not appropriate. (Q-1)

Relating to issues of quality and its contingency on situation, there were also challenges related to "reviewing and seeing progress: as we don't work towards a performance it's sometimes hard to see if we are making any progress and I need to become better at reviewing our sessions" (Q-3). None of these challenges were considered insurmountable. Rather, with a "growth" mindset, they might all "become less challenging with experience and learning" (Q-2).
