The Body I Live in. Perceptions and Meanings of Body Dissatisfaction in Young Transgender Adults: A Qualitative Study
Abstract
:1. Introduction
2. Methods
2.1. Participants
2.2. Measures
2.3. Procedure
3. Results
3.1. Gender Identity: Self-Perception
“As a child, I knew that there was something wrong with me. I felt like I didn’t feel myself as I should have, and it made me sad. I remember telling my babysitter that I felt that I was someone else.”(AMAB)
“I felt inadequate, wrong. I felt like an outcast. I felt ugly, I felt clumsy... I didn’t want to show my body, I only wore oversized clothes... I couldn’t stand the thought of my body as it was.”(AFAB)
“When puberty arrived, it was horrible… everything was fine before. I was a male in my mind, I was a happy boy, but then everything changed. I tried to suppress it because I didn’t know how to deal with my body becoming something, I was not… so I started having panic attacks and feeling depressed.”(AFAB)
“Puberty has been really tough. Growing up and realizing that there was something wrong with how I felt was really tough. All my teenage years were really tough. I started using drugs, drinking alcohol… I wanted to, like, stop feeling what I was feeling.”(AMAB)
“I used to burn my arms with a lighter... then I started to cut myself, first a bit and then a lot... and it made me feel better... I finally felt something real.”(AMAB)
“I never tried to kill myself, but I sure thought about it. I used to go online to search what the chances of success for each “method” were… so as to pick the best one, you know. But then I never did it. However, just knowing that I had the whole thing planned made me feel better. Besides, I hurt myself… I cut myself... and I told people they were scratches from playing with my cat. Thoughts like ‘I have to disinfect my cuts’ or ‘I have to do this’ satisfied me… they occupied a lot of space in my head… I had no time to think about other things, and it made me feel better.”(AFAB)
“I had these thoughts about killing myself and ending my suffering, but I didn’t do it... I was a coward.”(AFAB)
“When I was in middle school I used to cut myself to get attention. It was the only way to bond with others, the only thing that offered me some relief.”(AFAB)
“No... I never attempted suicide or tried to harm myself. I’ve thought about it, yes. More frequently during adolescence, like when I was fifteen, sixteen years old–at that time I was constantly thinking about it, actually.”(AMAB)
“I felt like I couldn’t achieve what was expected from me… I felt like there was something wrong with me... so I took sleeping pills and other pills that I found in my house and woke up in the hospital...”(AFAB)
“I did... I tried to do it. I even tried to do it when I was really young, secretly. But the moment it got really bad was when I was growing up–during my teenage years, I mean. In that period, I tried to choke myself to death, I tried to poison myself, I’d hit my head onto the wall hoping that my skull would shatter. I wanted to jump out of a window. I wanted to die.”(AMAB)
“I remember that, when I was in kindergarten, I used to wear these colorful skirts. We had a dresser full of princesses’ dresses and costumes in our classroom, and I liked to wear the most colorful ones. Thank god no one did anything to make me take them off. I felt so comfortable wearing those clothes.”(AMAB)
“I had to change school two times because I was being bullied constantly. And then one day I simply stopped going. I just couldn’t handle it. I stayed home for several months without ever going out.”(AFAB)
“I do not have any good memories about high school, because unfortunately, though I had long hair, I still looked like a boy, and I got teased all the time.”(AMAB)
3.2. Eating Behaviors
“It started with me wanting to be slimmer, but then I realized that it was about something else. Losing weight meant having flatter breasts and slimmer hips. It meant looking more masculine.”(AFAB)
“It’s been a year since I’ve started to be a little obsessed with dieting and calories. I think about calories all the time. I think about food, about having to restrict, about what food will do to my body if I eat it. I’m eating pasta and I start to think about what would happen if I eat some more, for example. But I do not want this thing to become something serious. I just want to get to a certain weight, that is 60 kg. I just want to look a little bit more slender and feminine.”(AMAB)
“Let’s just say that I had lost a lot of weight. I used to weight 85 kilos. At first, I simply started following a diet avoiding pasta and I lost a few kilos, but I found myself still wishing to loose weight. I still didn’t feel at ease with my body, maybe because what I was seeing was still a male body and what I wanted was a female one, a more slender and less muscular one. I decided to keep losing weight so that I could feel more like myself.”(AMAB)
“At the end, my anorexia was no longer about weight, or about my body shape. I just wanted to die...”(AMAB)
“I started to gain weight at the beginning of puberty. Yes, when I was around 13 years old. But then I didn’t stop… I just felt better hiding myself in oversized clothes. I think it was all about concealing my appearance.”(AFAB)
“When I was 20 or 21, I had about 30 extra pounds, and I couldn’t loose them... I tried following so many diets, I tried doing sports, but nothing worked. It was because somehow, I needed those extra pounds, actually. I only realized it when I started seeing a psychologist and I opened up about how I felt about my gender… it was only then that I managed to loose weight.”(AMAB)
“There were parts of my body that I just didn’t like... my legs, my hips, my belly... So, I started counting calories and weighing myself, trying to eat in a more healthy way… and then, at some point, I started purging...”(AFAB)
“Thinking about food occupies most of my day. Let’s just say that my days can be summed up in being depressed and thinking about food.”(AMAB)
“When I feel stressed out I tend to eat a lot. Sometimes when I feel very sad and I hate my body, I hate myself, I feel better if I eat. It’s like it soothes the pain.”(AFAB)
“I always had issues with food, especially during high school. I didn’t eat, I skipped my meals and then I binged at night.”(AMAB)
3.3. Sexuality
“I’m a virgin. I reject every kind of physical contact, and it’s not an issue related to the person, it’s not about them being a man or a woman, it’s that I just cannot stand it.”(AFAB)
“I miss something during sex, something of myself. I do not feel right in my body. It’s been a while since I’ve tried to do it–I haven’t had sex in almost two years, because… I mean, I do not feel comfortable doing it, at all.”(AFAB)
“I usually prefer online sex relationships. The fact that they are online makes me more comfortable. In this way, the other person cannot interact directly with my body. They can only interact with what I am inside, with what I decide to express...”(AMAB)
“I asked my partner if I could remain dressed. I’m glad that everything happened in the dark and that we’ve used a vibrator. I do not know what we would have done otherwise. I do not like sexual penetration, I mean, I really do not like it. I have vaginismus, so it’s just… I really cannot stand it.”(AFAB)
“I can do other stuff, but I cannot have sex. I cannot even think to have my genitals involved... I cannot even imagine getting an erection. It bothers me too much.”(AMAB)
“I had a difficult relationship with my body for a lot of time. I had a lot of trouble letting people touch me. Intimacy was too much for me... I hated my body so much that I was not to not being able to shower because I couldn’t see myself naked.”(AFAB)
“I started having sexual relations at a very early age. I started having sex with older men... I had many doubts about my femininity and having sex with them made me feel like a male. I felt very powerful, even if I couldn’t understand what was happening.”(AFAB)
“For a lot of time, I had to get drunk to engage in sexual relations. Now I can manage to do it while I’m sober, but I still cannot even look between my legs. There are still parts of me that people cannot touch. If they do, I get embarrassed and leave.”(AMAB)
4. Discussion
5. Conclusions
6. Limitations of the Study
Author Contributions
Funding
Acknowledgments
Conflicts of Interest
References
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Participants | N | Mean | Standard Deviation |
---|---|---|---|
AMAB | 15 | 2127 | 3515 |
AFAB | 21 | 2100 | 4037 |
Total | 36 | 2111 | 3778 |
Domains | Categories | Subcategories | Frequencies |
---|---|---|---|
Body dissatisfaction | Discomfort | Feeling ashamed of one’s own body | General |
Repulsion towards the body | General | ||
Difficult experiences linked to puberty | Body changes | Typical | |
Self-Harming/Suicide | Self-harm against the body | Typical | |
Suicidal thoughts | Typical | ||
Suicide attempts | Variant | ||
Lack of self-acceptance | Perception of one’s diversity | Feeling of non-conformity already in childhood | General |
Social relations | Shame | General | |
Bullying | Typical | ||
Social withdrawal | Variant |
Domains | Categories | Subcategories | Frequencies |
---|---|---|---|
Disordered eating patterns | History of disordered eating patterns | Weight monitoring | Variant |
Body-checking | Variant | ||
Restrictive behaviors | Variant | ||
Bulimic behaviors | Variant | ||
Over-eating | Variant | ||
Compulsive eating behaviors | Variant | ||
Motivation/Awareness related to eating disorders | Desire for self-care and change of gender | Variant | |
Attack to the body | Variant |
Domains | Categories | Subcategories | Frequencies |
---|---|---|---|
Experiences related to sexuality | Refusal | Repulsion towards sexuality | Typical |
Discomfort | Inhibition in physical relationships | Typical | |
Inhibition towards body | General | ||
Coping strategies | Typical | ||
Risky behaviors | Promiscuous sexuality | Variant | |
Trauma/abuses | Variant |
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Share and Cite
Mirabella, M.; Giovanardi, G.; Fortunato, A.; Senofonte, G.; Lombardo, F.; Lingiardi, V.; Speranza, A.M. The Body I Live in. Perceptions and Meanings of Body Dissatisfaction in Young Transgender Adults: A Qualitative Study. J. Clin. Med. 2020, 9, 3733. https://doi.org/10.3390/jcm9113733
Mirabella M, Giovanardi G, Fortunato A, Senofonte G, Lombardo F, Lingiardi V, Speranza AM. The Body I Live in. Perceptions and Meanings of Body Dissatisfaction in Young Transgender Adults: A Qualitative Study. Journal of Clinical Medicine. 2020; 9(11):3733. https://doi.org/10.3390/jcm9113733
Chicago/Turabian StyleMirabella, Marta, Guido Giovanardi, Alexandro Fortunato, Giulia Senofonte, Francesco Lombardo, Vittorio Lingiardi, and Anna Maria Speranza. 2020. "The Body I Live in. Perceptions and Meanings of Body Dissatisfaction in Young Transgender Adults: A Qualitative Study" Journal of Clinical Medicine 9, no. 11: 3733. https://doi.org/10.3390/jcm9113733